I spent my Tuesday morning volunteering at Bridgeport Arts Center on the South side right by U.S. Cellular, a neighborhood I'm not familiar with in Chicago, but really enjoyed getting to see this awesome neighborhood in addition to volunteering for an event so unique and different. Every year, they host a "party" for a few different Chicago Public High Schools, where each student can paint and create their own little block of artwork and then get a free lunch. All day, I literally walked to and from different sinks dumping paint water and refilling the paint water. It was tedious, but mindless and easy, plus I got to look at all of the different artwork while in the midst of the students creating it.
I quickly got the vibe that all of these students were high school seniors, as many of them painted recognizable copies of different college logos in their future school's colors on their piece of canvas, and several of them I could tell were intending to use their projects as Mother's Day gifts or an anniversary gift or a best friend plaque. What really got me thinking was how these kids were only about 4 years younger than me, and I could literally feel how much of a different person I was 4 years ago at this time. I remember exactly who I was back at this time; bubbling over in excitement that college was finally here, so excited, so ready for it. I still recognize that sort of anticipation within myself, as I'm feeling it right now as I await college graduation in nine days.
Its true that you never really know how things are going to end up, no matter how many great plans you make, or how many goals you create. Four years ago, everything was different. My friends I chilled with all the time, my wardrobe, my body, my relationship status, my priorities, my thoughts...after all this time, I'm not the same person I was. In fact, I'm nothing like that person, and I know that I'll never be like that person ever again in my life.
It was difficult for me to have anything in common with the high schoolers I worked with. These are the people that take group pic selfies in the bathroom with their glossy iPhone 5s, rarely say please or thank you, Snapchat across the table from each other, and write things like "PROSSER HS FOOTBALL HELL YEAH" and "Alexa and Augusto, 4-22-14 *heart*"on anything they can get their hands on. I wish I could've just told them that things that probably mean everything to them right now won't matter in four years, let alone one year. I wanted to tell them to always be polite, especially to people older than them. I wanted to tell them how important face-to-face communication is and always will be, and that not everything in life depends on their amount of likes on an Instagram picture, or things you believe are going to last forever never do. I want to tell them about how I was so much like them four years ago, and that nothing ever happens like you expect it will. I wasn't expecting to be a 'sorority girl'. I wasn't expecting to have lost as much weight as I did. I wasn't expecting the characters that theatre gave me. I wasn't expecting that Reutlingen, Germany would be my home for four months. I wasn't expecting the truly horrible things that happened. I wasn't expecting the amount/degree of which I would love/break my heart. I wasn't expecting the friends I ended college with to have become so important to me over time. I wasn't expecting all the odd jobs and obligations and things I did. Above all, I wasn't expecting how after years of hurt, pain, loneliness, despair, fear and sadness that I'd find myself so unbelievably happy with the way my life has turned out at this time.
Senior banner signed by all students
Its funny; in the grand scheme of things, four years really isn't very long of a time at all. Think of childhood for example; at age 4 you are a child and at age 8 you are a child and at ages 11 and 15 and 18 you are still a child in almost all senses of the word as you have never been on your own before. Still young and naive and overall still so very wide-eyed and innocent regarding what you know about yourself and the world. However, interestingly enough, the things you experience between the ages of 18-22 are the most intriguing to evaluate, because the amount of experiences you get during those years typically tend to be the experiences that help you grow and discover yourself. At my school at least, I personally think you discover who you are in the comfy, safe Valpo bubble at some point during your time here, and in the bubble you nurture yourself/allow yourself to be nurtured until you realize that you've gotten too big for the bubble, and suddenly the feeling that was once comfort feels like suffocating and the safety the bubble provides begins to feel arbitrary, annoying and useless.
I can feel myself outside of the bubble now, and frankly I have felt out of place for awhile now. I have been supported, brought up, and educated in the Valpo way and I am so thankful for everything that I've learned, but now its time to go. Its time to leave the bubble behind for something new. Something better. Something unknown and unfamiliar. I know this because I compare and contrast the girl who came to Valpo in 2010 with this woman thats leaving Valpo in 2014, and I am no longer her. I am no longer insecure, scared, naive, hopeless and childish. I'm confident, smarter, more useful, more defined, and healthier. I have become an "after" to my young and eager and bushy-tailed "before" from so many years ago, and for that I am content with how Valpo transformed me.
And in four years from now you may ask? Well, lets hope I achieve so much so that I can refer to today's "after" as tomorrow's "before".
Love always,
Rachel
Pictures from volunteering at Bridgeport Art Center Sky Loft, Chicago, IL.
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